Let's dive into a topic that deserves all the love and support in the world – pregnancy loss.
Pregnancy is a remarkable journey, but let's be real, it can be tough. For some incredible women out there, it's even tougher than we can imagine.
And you know what makes it even harder? The lack of information we receive growing up. So many aspects of pregnancy feel like they come out of nowhere, right?
One of those things that often catches us off guard is pregnancy loss. It's a topic nobody seems to talk about nearly enough.
Did you know that 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in a miscarriage and 1 in 184 pregnancies ends in a stillbirth?
That's a lot of amazing women going through something incredibly challenging.
But here's the thing - nobody tells us how to handle that situation, how to navigate it, and what to expect. No one teaches us how to support our friends who are going through this. And trust me, you probably know someone who has experienced a loss, whether they've shared it with you or not.
Let me share a personal story with you. In August 2018, I had my first miscarriage. It hit me like a ton of bricks, especially since my previous pregnancy with my son had been so easy and carefree. I immediately blamed myself, thinking I must have done something wrong. Can you believe that until today, only six people knew about this miscarriage?
It's easy to feel lost and question everything when you're in a situation like this. It's even easier to blame yourself. But here's the truth – miscarriages are not something you control, and they're definitely not something you did or didn't do.
It's crucial to talk to someone about it. I discovered that hiding it only made me feel worse. I'm not saying you need to shout it from the rooftops, but sharing with a few trusted friends or family members can make a world of difference. These are the people who will be there to support you through thick and thin.
I used to be in the camp of waiting to announce a pregnancy until the second trimester, but I've changed my perspective. Instead, I tell a select few people, and in some cases, like my 6th pregnancy, I even shared it with my whole softball team. I don't post about it on social media, but having those few people in the know can be incredibly comforting.
I know what you might be thinking, "What if something goes wrong? What if I have to tell them I lost the baby?" Well, those people you trust with this knowledge will surprise you with their support and understanding. They'll be there for you in ways you never expected.
For me, just a week and a half after I told my team I was pregnant, I had to tell them I lost my baby. And you know what? I'm so grateful I did. At the next game, no one looked at me with pity, and no one asked uncomfortable questions, because they knew. I didn't have to pretend to be okay; I could just be myself, and they were there to lift me up.
Having a support system around you can make a monumental difference in your recovery. So, even though it might be tempting to hide away and pretend everything is fine, trust me when I say it feels so much better to share your feelings with someone who cares. You're not alone in this journey.
Now, let's clear up a common misconception. Many people think that a miscarriage is just like getting your period. In reality, your body goes through labor. You experience contractions, hormone swings, and you give birth. It's a significant physical and emotional process.
During my first miscarriage, no one told me I would give birth to my baby. I knew my baby would pass, but I didn't fully understand what that meant or what it would look like. So, when I started getting contractions that took my breath away, I was bewildered. I vividly remember feeling something drop during a particularly strong wave. I rushed to the bathroom, and in that moment, my baby was born. It was overwhelming, and I didn't know how to handle it.
Even the medical professionals, who should be equipped to discuss this topic, often avoid it at all costs. They are often the first to know about a loss but sometimes offer minimal support, merely saying, "I'm so sorry," before hurrying off.
The support from your loved ones will be what helps you most in your postpartum.
Now, here's another question that often comes up: what's the difference between a miscarriage and a stillbirth? While both describe pregnancy loss, stillbirth is the term used when the mother is 20 weeks or more into her pregnancy. It's less common than a first-trimester miscarriage but incredibly emotional.
My journey as a doula began shortly after the stillbirth of my second daughter, Grace, in 2021. I was 23 weeks pregnant when we could no longer find her heartbeat. It was a devastating experience.
After Grace was born, the dynamics were different from my previous miscarriage. Everyone in our families knew what had happened. Some were incredibly supportive, while others seemed unsure of how to approach the situation, walking on eggshells around us.
But here's a vital point – when someone experiences a loss, the most hurtful thing you can do is try to forget their baby, avoid the topic, or pretend like it never happened. Moms want to talk about their baby, share their experiences, and have their baby remembered.
Sure, they might cry when they talk about their baby because it's a painful memory, but knowing you've listened and acknowledged their story can provide immense comfort.
Here's a piece of advice for anyone helping someone through a loss: never use the words "at least." Seriously, avoid it at all costs! Saying things like, "At least you can have more," or "At least it was early," can be incredibly hurtful. The same goes for phrases like, "The baby is in a better place," or "It was God's plan." These comments are best left unsaid they are not helpful and they have no place in any situation.
Instead, offer words of love and support. Ask about their baby's name, bring them dinner, let them know their baby is loved, or simply say, "I'm here for you, even if I don't know how to help." Sometimes, just being there, offering a shoulder to cry on, is all they need.
For my stillbirth, I made the choice to be induced and birth my baby over having a D&C. It might not be the right choice for everyone, but it felt right for me. Even though my baby didn't live, I was still able to give birth to her, hold her, and take pictures.
I can't stress this enough – take photos, or have someone take them for you. Even if you think you'll never look at them, having those memories can be incredibly comforting in the long run. It took me months to gather the courage to look at Grace's photos, but I'm so grateful I have them.
If you find it too difficult to take photos yourself, reach out to someone in your area who specializes in this kind of photography. There are doulas and professionals who work with loss moms, helping them make choices and navigate their grief.
While loss is something no one wants to plan for, having caring and supportive people around can make all the difference.
October is Pregnancy Loss and Infant Loss Awareness Month.
If you know someone who has lost a baby, reach out to them and let them know you remember. It can be as simple as saying you're thinking of them and (baby's name). Small gestures can mean the world.
Remember, you're never alone in your journey, and you never know what someone else has gone through. Be kind to yourself and be kind to others ❤️
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